Monday, February 4, 2013

My very own diet tips

These are my very own diet tips. i made them up.

A good tip is to consider colours when eating. Everyone knows that greens are good for you. This means everything green is good for you, including Green Lantern cocktails, peppermint ice cream and lime jelly.

Any food you bought in a restaurant is calorie free for complex ethical and ontological reasons which i will explain. It goes like this. The Universe is merciful. There is a cosmic justice which even we contingent beings can glimpse at times. Thus, we never pay for anything twice. If we have already paid money for the food, we cannot pay again in calories. It would go against some of God's most fundamental laws. If food you bought had calories, you might as well just go and be an atheist.

Here is a tip i discovered when i went to a movie recently. i saw the movie Lincoln* and one of the ads before the movie started was for ice creams to purchase at the movie theatre. The ad said 'Nobody can see you in the dark!' Golly, i thought, i wonder what they expect me to do with the ice cream. Then i figured, clearly food eaten in the dark has no calories, because you can't see the little buggers. Invisible food doesn't count.

This last one is my best ever tip. It is a known fact that owners and their dogs look alike. i have a little brown chihuahua foxy cross, which tells you what i look like. So if you want to be thin, get a whippet.

* Spoiler alert - slavery ends. **
** Further spoiler alert - so does the Civil War, according to some people.

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