To mark the release of the new movie The Hobbit, Lord of the Rings movie trilogy is playing on free ot air TV week by week. Last week it was the second movie, The Two Towers, and i developed a truly savage and very post modernist critique, if i say so myself.
Clearly, Rohan is a land bereft of hair condiitoner. All those lovely blond locks, all frizzy and flyaway and in dire need of hair products. It is a sign of their decline as a civilisation. Although Eowyn, probably because she is the daughter of kings and a shieldmaiden, seems to have access to some sort of primitive crimper. Then there is the Battle of Helms Deep where the future of Middle Earth is at stake yada yada yada and the Elves turn up. Not only do the Elves have hair condiitoner, but being a wise and ancient race they also have perfected the hair straightener. Elves are such self centred bloody hipsters. And at the end of it all, still no sign of improvement for the poor folks of Rohan. They might have been safe from the Uruk Hai, but it seems that even shampoo eluded them.
Presumably the last movie witll play this weekend, The Return of the King, during which Aragorn gets to brush his hair and about time too, and get married and stuff. However he also gets to show what a truly abysmal tactician he is when he lines up with his troops to fight the hordes of Mordor. i mean, i know one does not simply walk into Mordor, but this is ridiculous. First, he somehow loses all his horses. i don't know how the hell this happens but my astute daughter has pointed out that if you watch it frame by frame first they are all on horseback, then only Aragorn is on horseback, and then nobody is on horseback. This is all before the battle, mind. Perhaps the horses think bugger this for a game of soldiers and take to their heels. Anyway, before Aragorn is mysteriously unhorsed even before the battle begins, he manages to allow his army to be totally surrounded. At this point i am grinding my teeth with frustration. He might be the direct heir of Isildur and able to cure scrofula for all i know but you - do - not - let - your - army - get - surrounded. Even i know that and i am only an expert on hair products.
i was once told that because i am short and - er - stocky, i obviously come from a long line of peasants. Well, i own that. And my long line of peasants intuition tells me never trust the guy with the expensive armour and the ancient lineage and the magic sword that turns blue in the presence of lawyers, and the hair conditioner. Especially if he is the only one on a horse. When i am standing in the front line with my rusty pike and my battered wooden shield, and the guy on the horse is making an inspiring speech, which basically boils down to it is Not This Day that he gets to die but he can't really vouch for anyone else, i am only grimly sceptical. Oh well, in the words of Motorhead 'If you think that Jesus saves, Get back in line', and off we go to fight for Gondor, or Winterfell, or the Free World, whatever that is.