Sunday, May 27, 2012

It's your attitude

As the marmite crisis deepens here in Kiwiland, i face a new issue.

You may know i have a little dog called Tigger. i love him. He is 13 years old and has numerous health problems, but he still gets to potter in the park and frolic on the lawn and he manages with four different medications, all old people's meds - diuretics and ace inhibitors and analgesics.

Recently he has become more and more fussy about how he takes his meds. For a while i could just push it into his food, but then i had to crush and grind and mix. i think if i am murdered in my bed the CSI will come and wonder why there are traces of all sorts of medications under my finger nails. Anyway, Tigger even stopped taking the meds crushed and disguised and was refusing to take anything at all. The vet nurse suggested ..... a marmite sandwich.

Marmite is a salty extract of yeast which is used as a spread or a flavouring for soups. It is unique to New Zealand although there are variations in other parts of the colonies eg Vegemite in Australia. The factory making the stuff was munted during the earthquakes, and since then the nation has faced a shortage. Now, Marmageddon has become a bit of an internet meme and jars of marmite sell on trading sites for hilarious amounts. Personally i think it's time for an ethnic food riot. Recently there have been food riots in response to collapsing economies. In Mexico there have been tortilla riots, and in Israel there have been, of all things, cottage cheese riots. Cottage cheese is a staple in Israel. We haven't had a good ethnic food riot in New Zealand for ages, and it is high time we hit the streets.

Well, i scraped out the dregs of the marmite from the jar, and someone very kindly donated me the last of hers. What community spirit there was. No doglet left behind.

Then he refused his marmite sandwiches. He was able to taste the medications even through the marmite. He would just stare at the sandwich and then trot outside.

Tigger, Tigger, Tigger. This is not what made our country great. This is not keeping calm and carrying on. This is not what we withstood ten thousand earthquakes for. This is not how we fought the Hun. It's not good enough. It's your attitude, boy.

And then, earlier in the week, i was stopped by the police for going through an orange light, and fined $150. i was mortified. The cop was quite brusque and i felt i was being Made An Example Of.

My driving isn't the best. i have a sort of inner Stig. The speed limit is a guide for beginners. Speed bumps are for getting air. Certain music, such as Haydn's Trumpet Concerto in E Flat, or American Idiot by Green Day, sends me inexorably up to 70 k's. i also tend to set up a running commentary which can be disconcerting for passengers. Probably the worst thing i ever said while driving was 'Where's the road?' My husband the Archduke Piccolo says i have always driven cars like i stole them, it's just now i'm getting caught. My daughter thinks my driving is actually worse as i age.

When the cop pulled me over i thought maybe i could cry. i thought maybe i could say i had an Important Job, and that i was travelling with documents and confidential files for the hospital (that was true), and i even wondered about using Femine Wiles, whatever they are. i thought of saying, good heavens, i did go through the orange light, but whether i could stop safely is pretty darned subjective. i don't mind a fair cop. i work with the police often enough, there is no need to be unpleasant. It's your attitude, mate.

There was a small ray of light, however. As i sat in the car waiting for the police officer to check my details i saw a poster for a gig for Plasticine Heroes, who are playing the Dux on 6 June.

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