Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Hot crap

Ah, Lana Del Rey. My daughter introduced me to her music. Rich New York ingenue turned Californian jail bait. Supported by her dotcom tycoon dad, the young Elizabeth Grant has some dedicated fans, who call her music 'sad core' (?!) but bless her she doesn't exactly sing. My daughter thinks of her as a younger version of Wing, but i think what she does is not really meant to be singing, it's just audible pouting to music. She's all languorous, languid, liquid, languishing, lascivious, washed out swimming pool nihilism courting a studied violence from the men in her videos. It can't be sustained; the best thing she could do for her career is die. Which her album title says she was born to do.

i don't mean that quite literally. Lana Del Rey is a persona in the tradition of David Bowie's Ziggy Stardust or the Black Parade by My Chemical Romance. These are ephemeral creatures who cannot last beyond an album, and Lana's Born to Die received very mixed reviews. Lady Gaga is a very different goddess of artifice, because she has depth of talent and obviously gives a damn. i hope that Elizabeth Grant survives to do something a bit more worthy. i really do.

Meanwhile the luscious Lana is overrripe for parody. In my household if you attempt to sing 'Video Games' certain people run screaming from the room. The song is so fracking catchy. i have tried to overcome the catchiness by a parody. Not just a parody, however. Let us evoke another part of the First World - a godforsaken little island where spirits are fierce and mean and it never gets properly warm. Ladies and gentlemen this is what you get if Lana Del Rey fronts the Arctic Monkeys:

Sittin' in the bathroom
Elbows on my knees
Here comes a really hot crap.
I heard you like fast food
But it's bad for you
Dontcha know it all just
Turns to poo
I bet now you do.

It's you, it's you
It's vindaloo.....

You can imagine the video. Actually, don't.

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