One does not simply walk into Mordor - a Tolkien guide to psychotropic medications

i have always thought that the names of psychotropic medications have two purposes. The first is to reassure the consumer. You need to have some sense that the meds you're on, even if they make you fat and kill your libido, will make you feel better. Hence we have medications that sound like what they are supposed to do. Abilify, a newish antipsychotic, sounds like it makes you more able. Quetiapine (also called Seroquel) sounds like quiet and quell - like they chill you out even when you say the words. Seroquel - 'calm blue ocean' - say it over - it's your new mantra. The drug companies are clever like this.

They are always clever. A long time ago i saw an ad in the New Ethicals, now called MIMS, the catalogue of drugs for doctors. It showed a sad overweight woman with stringy hair pushing a pram, with a background of a housing estate in the UK. It said 'You can't change her situation, but you can give her MOGODON'. Needless to say, Mogodon is now off the market.

The other purpose is for me to play with the idea that the names of the medication sound like characters in Lord of the Rings. High Elf King Haloperidol of the Vale of Risperidone and his consort Stelazine.  There are Man names, Elf names, Dwarf names and Orc names. Mogodon is definitely an Orc, a bad bugger at that. Clozapine is probably a dwarf. Let us play a game where we match a drug name to the Tolkien race - Elf, Dwarf, Orc or Man.

Melleril
Aripiprazole
Largactyl
Dabigatran
Clonazepam
Zopiclone
Epilim
Depixol
Carbemazapine

Note: one of these is not a psychotropic medication. Guess which, prize for the winner.

The title, One does not simply walk into Mordor, is a line from Boromir in the movie. It is also an internet meme with an occasionally hilarious website, and, i am reliably informed by the young people in my life, a drinking game. One does not simply walk into Mordor...One does not simply crawl into Mordor...One does not simply pogo into Mordor ... etc...

Only one man can simply walk into Mordor. No, no, not Chuck Norris. PIRI WEEPU!!!

There are black swans.

THERE ARE BLACK SWANS

This is the place people come to
Sit in their cars
And smoke weed.

We walk.

We make a stirring
And a ploughing and a beating
Of the water.


The plovers shriek into a sky
Already rent by skylarks.

In the winter, there are black swans.
Then, i drink the briny air
And dine on the feast of sound.

Hot crap

Ah, Lana Del Rey. My daughter introduced me to her music. Rich New York ingenue turned Californian jail bait. Supported by her dotcom tycoon dad, the young Elizabeth Grant has some dedicated fans, who call her music 'sad core' (?!) but bless her she doesn't exactly sing. My daughter thinks of her as a younger version of Wing, but i think what she does is not really meant to be singing, it's just audible pouting to music. She's all languorous, languid, liquid, languishing, lascivious, washed out swimming pool nihilism courting a studied violence from the men in her videos. It can't be sustained; the best thing she could do for her career is die. Which her album title says she was born to do.

i don't mean that quite literally. Lana Del Rey is a persona in the tradition of David Bowie's Ziggy Stardust or the Black Parade by My Chemical Romance. These are ephemeral creatures who cannot last beyond an album, and Lana's Born to Die received very mixed reviews. Lady Gaga is a very different goddess of artifice, because she has depth of talent and obviously gives a damn. i hope that Elizabeth Grant survives to do something a bit more worthy. i really do.

Meanwhile the luscious Lana is overrripe for parody. In my household if you attempt to sing 'Video Games' certain people run screaming from the room. The song is so fracking catchy. i have tried to overcome the catchiness by a parody. Not just a parody, however. Let us evoke another part of the First World - a godforsaken little island where spirits are fierce and mean and it never gets properly warm. Ladies and gentlemen this is what you get if Lana Del Rey fronts the Arctic Monkeys:

Sittin' in the bathroom
Elbows on my knees
Here comes a really hot crap.
I heard you like fast food
But it's bad for you
Dontcha know it all just
Turns to poo
I bet now you do.

It's you, it's you
It's vindaloo.....

You can imagine the video. Actually, don't.