Christmas dinner on the firm

This is an email i sent to the CEO of the firm i work for. Those of us rostered on Christmas day traditionally get a meal from the cafeteria.

'Dear ...

I am not normally given to complaints but i wish to make one in the strongest terms regarding the lunch (and presumably the dinner) provided to staff on Christmas day.

By the time I opened the polystyrene box the reputation of the contents had preceded them. The general thinking was that because there were compaints last year, by some Orwellian twist of managerial logic the plan was for an even worse meal this year.

What was inside looked like 'Your Brain On Drugs'. There was a slice of grey and white matter which purported to be a vegetable terrine. I suspect eggplant was involved. It looked like something I would not have transplanted into my body to save a life. There were some desultory greens. The cucumber was slushy. The tomato tasted like fridge. There was a truly wretched yellow knob of what could have passed for broccoli in poor light. The whole arrangement seemed to have been frozen, or chilled for several days. It was definitely not 'Made With Love'.

There was also a pudding. It was pink. More slush. I ate some of it, because I think by then I was in a regressed state where anything pink and pappy looked attractive.

Now, I have a reasonably adventurous palate. I have been to Vietnam, and to Hokitika. I have cheerfully sat down to meals where I recognized none of the ingredients. But this one had me at a stand. It was inedible. It was a waste.

I am aware that (my employer) is financially stretched and I think I have my priorities straight. would I rather have (vital piece of equipment) or a slap up Christmas feed? Would I rather have (excellent service) or a slap up Christmas feed? Clearly, the former in each case.

Which is why I am requesting you do not bother. To give us staff food that is inedible is insulting and undermines our loyalties. It is also horribly wasteful - the food must have cost something and most of it went into the bin. Heaven knows, we do not do this job for the perks. Save the small amount of money it costs. We heard ont he day that the City Mission provided the best nosh ever. From now on I will be heading down there. '


This was the reply, a superb piece of managerialism of the sort designed to strip language of all meaning, in its own flow-chart style, a piece of brilliance:

'Dear...

I am in receipt of an email delivered to (CEO) on the 28th December 2010 with regard to the Christmas meal as delivered to yourself on Christmas Day and from the tone of the email I understand this meal did not meet your expectations.

I can ssure you that the appropriate amount of planning, preparation and presentation went into the meal that you ahd on Christmas Day. I apologise for the fact that you did not enjoy the meal and you (sic) comments are duly noted.

I would like to thank you for your time and your feedback.

Yours sincerely (Catering Manager)'